This would be one of those chapters that I mentioned earlier, that might be difficult to read and it was certainly difficult to write. This chapter probably could be written many different ways depending on whose perspective you are seeing it from. Looking back with the benefit of nearly 30 or so years of experience, this happens to be my perspective…
Much of my memory of my childhood took place during a time in my dad’s life when he was making some poor decisions, like drinking and partying with his friends. It seems like when a person gets caught up in this cycle, one bad decision leads to another and it becomes an out of control downward spiral. This led to him making some bad choices that caused a lot of hurt to the people he loved, especially my mother. I think most of the people who know my dad, already know that because of his transgressions, he was ex-communicated from the church. What most people don’t know is that it was his decision. He sat me down one night when I was a teenager and explained to me that he had made some mistakes and that in order for him to make things right, he had asked for this to be the course of action so that he could begin the process of righting the wrongs he had done. He viewed this not as a punishment, but an opportunity… and opportunity to start over. That was a big lesson for a dad to teach a young teenage daughter…. With few exceptions, no matter what you have done, there is a way to make amends and start over. It was a long process that took many years for him to be ready to start over and be re-baptized. It was a long process of forgiveness. He had to get to a point where he was humble enough to be able to forgive himself before he could have a fresh start.
One Christmas, he came into my room and handed me an invitation card. He told me to open it. It was an invitation to attend his baptism… on Valentine’s Day the following year. He asked me what I thought and told me he intended to give that invitation to my mom for Christmas. What an amazing gift. We had waited many years for this day, but the true gift was the man he had become through the process of repentance. He had learned to control his temper and he had stopped participating in the destructive behavior and hanging out with friends that chose a different lifestyle than the one he wanted to live. They were not bad friends by any means, they were good people and I have many fond memories of our families spending time together. I think the changes he made in his life earned him a new level of respect from these friends. He was a changed man, not perfect, but better.
Through this process, it was also an opportunity for those around him to have the chance to learn and grow and become better people as they had to find a way to let the Atonement into their lives and be able to come to a point where they could forgive him for his transgressions and the hurts that his choices caused those who loved him. Many people rallied around our family and offered guidance and unconditional love for my dad, and for his family. It was a hard thing for him to not hang his head in shame, but he set a great example for us of owning up to your mistakes and the healing power of the Atonement.
His life has taught me that forgiveness is not a single one time event. It is a process. How long that process takes is up to the forgiver. The person who wronged us may not ever ask us forgiveness, but we are required to forgive anyway. This process involves us communicating with God and turning over our hurts to Him. The Atonement is there for us to be able to let go of our hurts and allow mercy to take place, rather than demanding justice. Consider a balance scale with justice on one side and mercy on the other. Our task when going through the process of forgiveness is to try to find a balance between our demand for justice and our ability to extend mercy to the person that we need to forgive. If our demand justice becomes too heavy, then it tips the scale and there is not enough mercy to maintain a good balance. THIS is the process I am referring to. As our “forgiveness scale” tips up and down, up and down, eventually, with the help of the Savior, we will be able to balance our scale and THAT is when true forgiveness happens. This is also true when we need to go through the process of forgiving ourselves.
When my dad died, I was understandably sad and then when my sister died 2 years later, that sadness turned to anger. The only person I could blame and be angry at was God. I don’t believe that God gave my dad cancer, but I do believe that God could have taken the cancer away and cured Him….. if it had been God’s will. The same is true for my sister. I don’t believe that God caused her death, I have arrived at the understanding that her time on earth was predetermined and that it was simply her time to go. It has taken me a long time to find balance with this anger and realize that it wasn’t doing me any good by feeling this way. It only held me back in my own journey of spiritual growth.
My whole life I have been quick to anger. Perhaps I learned that from my dad. My dad figured out how to control that anger and be soft and kind and that is a lesson I am still trying to process. I can say that I have learned that it does no good to be angry at God. In order for us to forgive people who have wronged us, we need to have a conversation with God about that person and ask God to help us truly forgive that person. If we are angry at God, then calling on God to help us get over our hurts, is often harder than calling the person who has wronged us and perhaps even harder than extending mercy. If we want forgiveness, we have to be willing to offer forgiveness, it is cyclical in nature. If we are not square with God, then we can’t truly offer forgiveness and that breaks the cycle so then we also are not able to truly receive forgiveness.
I now realize that certain things are foreordained to happen in order to allow us to grow and develop to our full potential. My dad believed that he knew before he came to earth, what kind of pain and suffering he would have to pass through while dealing with cancer. He believed that he agreed to the deal because he saw, in the pre-existence, how his journey would touch and positively affect the lives of those around him. I am certain that many people have learned lessons from my dad’s journey and his example in life and perhaps his life ending so young was foreordained to help those around him realize certain lessons that they would not have learned by any other means…. Strawberries!!!
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